To commodify Yourself

 Other than dealing with the stress that comes form having to commodify oneself, I have been very interested in the psychology of pain.  I'm using it in my novel.

I enjoy novel writing, because I am an extreme introvert. My eternal motto is "hell is other people." So, I'm really enjoying the opportunity to draw into myself and just create. That's the entire reason I do what I do. So I can create worlds for you to enjoy. 

And about 3 nights a week, I must emerge from my well crafted cocoon in order to dance like a majestic butterfly for a few hours for you <3 I love that part, but there are other parts that cause me agony. Like constantly having to share myself. I am a very private person if you couldn't already tell. So, having to post all the time on social media, and even sometimes posting here, can be exhausting. Plus I have this *gigantic* dog to care for. He has ptsd, so dealing with his triggers can often be dangerous. 

So, pain. I'm just putting everything into my novel. The entire agony and ecstasy of existence. I don't want to give too much away yet, but I'm writing every day, and I'm very excited about where this is headed.

 One thing I can say with truth and conviction is that life has not been kind to me. Yet, somehow, I persist. It helps my situation that I still look DAMN good ... even now I'm old enough to add, "for my age." 

I have come so far. I am so proud of how far I have carried myself. And make no mistake, *I* got me here. I can still hear the gaslighting in my head, but now I couldn't care less what it says. I am free. 

Navigating new connections has been a battlefield at times. Deciding who to trust comes easy, but I have been rebuilding my self esteem and rediscovering my self worth. I have been building an entirely new life. Which is one reason why I am often absent, dear reader. I am getting my myriad health conditions under control, finally. I'm finding worthwhile people. Life for me is very good. 

I always knew I was meant to be a Domme. Everyone else has always gotten that vibe from me, too. I needed to create a space where it was safe for me to be vulnerable and process my ptsd, in order to rise to that occasion where I am Dominant (in a bdsm sense). So, I enjoyed being a sub for a while, while I created my safe space. Now that I have that, I can do literally anything. Maslow was right. 

"Renfield" (2023), "Five Nights at Freddies" (2023)

 This isn't a movie review blog, but if it were, I would write a lengthy yet concise article about all the things I loved about Renfield 2023 which were ALL ruined by the forced comic book superhero style action. Just, completely ruined. 3/10.

On the other hand, I did also check out Five Nights at Freddies. I've never played the game, but the movie was okay. The premise and plot were interesting and unlike Renfield, did not feel forced. *Like* Renfield, I enjoyed the effects. 7/10.

You Can't Kill Me

 I saw my doctor today for an ongoing issue with my pelvis. 13 years ago I was assaulted, and then my pregnancy 12 years ago exacerbated the injury. Anyway, I saw the doctor to get a referral for pain management. They require updated imaging, so doc ordered imaging not only for my lumbar, but also for my entire pelvis. This is literally the MRI I needed 12 years ago. However, I'm just grateful it's finally happening. We'll see how that goes, and then I will be on my way to getting another epidural; also sorely needed. Dealing with chronic pain is one thing that keeps me from streaming as much as I would like! I would certainly be more consistent if I weren't taking my health day-by-day. Everything is getting better, though. Life continues to improve exponentially. 

Additionally, I was screened for diabetes, and I do not have it! Wonderful. I thought I might because my father has type 2 and I've had a couple of symptoms. But those can be explained by other things. According to 23andme, I have genes that are "usually found in athletes." I believe it. My genes are for sure on another level. My grandmothers passed down their immaculate health, in spite of all my grandfathers' attempts to ruin it. It's why I cannot be killed, although a few have tried. And, now that I actually have *real* support from *capable* people, I can finally continue to thrive. 

Healing Hiatus

 Wow, healing from all of this trauma is really exhausting. Whenever I take prolonged hiatuses from our chatroom, that is what is going on with me usually. I have been through a lot in my life, and unfortunately that leaves an indelible mark. Good thing I'm a survivor. A thriver. No matter who tries to kill me, I keep going. Like a cockroach 😘

A cockroach you want to have sex with 😂😂😂

 Happy and resilient. You cannot kill me.

Origin Story

 

I took on the name "The Fleshcanvas" when I was 18 years old. So, that would make it 21 years ago. The name is obviously inspired by my love for body art, but what isn't obvious is how this name has always represented (for me) bodily autonomy. 

Even as a teenager I was sick of being told what I could and could not do with my body. Back then I had no idea that it was a gendered issue. All I knew was that I was suffering sexual assault after sexual assault. From co workers, bosses, "friends." Everything from inappropriate groping to literal rape. 

That's all the detail I can stomach sharing for today. I just wanted to write for a bit about how it feels, now, to finally be free of most of that. Except for the PTSD it all caused. I'm moving forward the best way I can, working as hard as I can, going to therapy and taking my meds like a good little enby. I'm much more stable now that I'm not being antagonized every single day. In spite of everything I've been through, all of the hardship I've endured, I shall persevere, I shall and am persisting. 

I shall live in spite of you. No matter how hard you tried to kill me. 

Furever family

Today I learned that one person and two dogs is a family. 🥰🥰🥰

What Freedom Looks Like

 Sitara, here. Still alive, still kicking, in spite of my ex's best efforts. 

I've been undergoing significant transformation over the past year, but I still struggle with self expression. That is why I am taking this blog back up. I had grown so accustomed to my voice never making a difference, that I gradually stopped using it. No more. 

A year ago today, I was struggling to hang on to something that I knew in my heart would never last. I stayed for my child at the cost of myself. 

As an assault and abuse survivor, I am reclaiming my body, my mind, my self. I will express myself without imposition of limitation, for no one threatens to withhold resources like food, love, and shelter just because I express a need; not any longer, at least. I am free.

This is what a happy and free fleshcanvas looks like. 

 Trauma really settles into you; makes its home in you. A person for whom you made a home in your heart, never actually loved you; rather, it was transactional from the beginning. You filled a need. And as soon as they no longer need you, they burn that home that you made in your heart to the ground.  While making sure to appropriate any valuable material possessions that you may have acquired during your time together (the things you couldn't take with you when they discard you like trash).

Altruism is inherently selfish. Never trust a person who actually gets mad when you suggest that.