Goodbye to a Great Woman

 

My wonderful, beautiful, and complicated grandmother has died. I'm not ready to talk about the details, yet. Of course I have some regrets, but I was conscious of the decisions I was making. If she knew all of the facts, she would understand. And I know she forgives me. This woman raised me from a tiny baby. She's the reason I wanted to become a momma so very badly. She taught me how to choose kindness in the face of adversity. She was the greatest woman I've ever known. I will be painting her portrait of course. 

 I love you, Grandma. I miss you. You are a part of me, you live on in me. Thank you for my life. Thank you for being the one who never abandoned me. The *one* person who never did. I love you.

Good to Be Back

 BABY!!! How in hell are you?! It's so great to be back here with you. 

 

 

It's finally summer!! Time to hit the water.  

Amber Heard

 It's so interesting. During that trial (Depp vs Heard), I knew for a fact that she was innocent and that the perspective of her was complete misogyny. I knew the court of social media was stupid as FUCK.

I knew because that was the first time that the ex was punishing me with the legal system. I was being punished for standing up for myself. I stood up for myself, so he stole my baby. I saw my real life played out on tv, and I saw everything I knew that the ex was telling any person who would listen. Because it was the same exact DARVO tactic that Depp used.

Now we are 4 years later. Now, my baby is finally SAFE, now that I have full legal and physical custody. And the internet is uncovering actual court documents that aren't being influenced by Depp's legal media team. And Ms. Heard is finally just now starting to receive public vindication. Good for her. Good for us. 

Matriarchy Now.  

My Grandmother

 I sincerely hope that each of the anti-humans that abducted my grandmother to another state and abandoned her at a nursing home get literally *everything* done to them that they've done to her. I hope one day they feel abandoned. And alone. And I hope no one calls them. I hope they are isolated. I hope their children never visit them. I hope they die alone. I hope they fall, get hurt, and suffer. It is My Will, it Must be Done. All of you motherfuckers can get bent. You are going to die alone. And it's quite befitting a "person" of your esteem and stature and qualifications. 

Self Love Journey

 My self love journey has been nothing if not arduous. And *long*... so very long. However, I do finally feel as if I have arrived at an "acceptable" degree of self love. Not delusional, but also kind of ... immaculate? If no one else has my back, if no one else is with me, *I* am with me. And I matter. My presence matters, and I am worth something. And so are you, dear reader.

Temporary Reprieve

 I fought a dragon today, and I won. When I have support and professional help, I can get anything done. And I even have a perfectly safe space (here) to write about my victory. I wish this were a more permanent win, but I am patient. For now, I get to be a mom for longer without getting hassled by my ex for at least a few days. Tomorrow, I get to go grocery shopping, then I can cook form home again. It really is the simple things, for me.

A Fresh Start

 It's challenging to put into words how much of a relief it is to finally be able to express myself candidly. It's like, if you've kept yourself form going outside because you believe the sun will hurt you, but now someone has convinced you it's safe to come out and play. I would be skeptical. But the sun on my skin would feel so good! I wouldn't be able to resist. 

Because of that, I'm coming out to play for good, on my own terms. I'm done with being afraid to speak freely about my inner world. Anyway, my final words on the topic are that *no one* should ever feel afraid to speak their own truth. Especially in our so-called free speech country. 

I'm going to be detailing my adventures with rope and bondage here. I'll also be documenting my rise to proper Domme-dom. I can't exactly call myself that, yet, but just you wait. There's so much more to proper domination beyond just spanking and joi. I want to share them *all* with you, my love. I will have you hog-tied and begging for mercy in no time. 😈What a pretty little pet you will make for me. 💜💞💟

You Can't Kill Me

 I saw my doctor today for an ongoing issue with my pelvis. 13 years ago I was assaulted, and then my pregnancy 12 years ago exacerbated the injury. Anyway, I saw the doctor to get a referral for pain management. They require updated imaging, so doc ordered imaging not only for my lumbar, but also for my entire pelvis. This is literally the MRI I needed 12 years ago. However, I'm just grateful it's finally happening. We'll see how that goes, and then I will be on my way to getting another epidural; also sorely needed. Dealing with chronic pain is one thing that keeps me from streaming as much as I would like! I would certainly be more consistent if I weren't taking my health day-by-day. Everything is getting better, though. Life continues to improve exponentially. 

Additionally, I was screened for diabetes, and I do not have it! Wonderful. I thought I might because my father has type 2 and I've had a couple of symptoms. But those can be explained by other things. According to 23andme, I have genes that are "usually found in athletes." I believe it. My genes are for sure on another level. My grandmothers passed down their immaculate health, in spite of all my grandfathers' attempts to ruin it. It's why I cannot be killed, although a few have tried. And, now that I actually have *real* support from *capable* people, I can finally continue to thrive.