Origin Story

 

I took on the name "The Fleshcanvas" when I was 18 years old. So, that would make it 21 years ago. The name is obviously inspired by my love for body art, but what isn't obvious is how this name has always represented (for me) bodily autonomy. 

Even as a teenager I was sick of being told what I could and could not do with my body. Back then I had no idea that it was a gendered issue. All I knew was that I was suffering sexual assault after sexual assault. From co workers, bosses, "friends." Everything from inappropriate groping to literal rape. 

That's all the detail I can stomach sharing for today. I just wanted to write for a bit about how it feels, now, to finally be free of most of that. Except for the PTSD it all caused. I'm moving forward the best way I can, working as hard as I can, going to therapy and taking my meds like a good little enby. I'm much more stable now that I'm not being antagonized every single day. In spite of everything I've been through, all of the hardship I've endured, I shall persevere, I shall and am persisting. 

I shall live in spite of you. No matter how hard you tried to kill me. 

Furever family

Today I learned that one person and two dogs is a family. 🥰🥰🥰

What Freedom Looks Like

 Sitara, here. Still alive, still kicking, in spite of my ex's best efforts. 

I've been undergoing significant transformation over the past year, but I still struggle with self expression. That is why I am taking this blog back up. I had grown so accustomed to my voice never making a difference, that I gradually stopped using it. No more. 

A year ago today, I was struggling to hang on to something that I knew in my heart would never last. I stayed for my child at the cost of myself. 

As an assault and abuse survivor, I am reclaiming my body, my mind, my self. I will express myself without imposition of limitation, for no one threatens to withhold resources like food, love, and shelter just because I express a need; not any longer, at least. I am free.

This is what a happy and free fleshcanvas looks like. 

 Trauma really settles into you; makes its home in you. A person for whom you made a home in your heart, never actually loved you; rather, it was transactional from the beginning. You filled a need. And as soon as they no longer need you, they burn that home that you made in your heart to the ground.  While making sure to appropriate any valuable material possessions that you may have acquired during your time together (the things you couldn't take with you when they discard you like trash).

Altruism is inherently selfish. Never trust a person who actually gets mad when you suggest that.